Why we all need firmer boundaries in our lives
One of the most common issues I see in clinical practice is individuals struggling with boundaries, whether it be that they are non-existent to begin with, have broken down or need firming up. It is rare to find a person who is able to maintain clear, healthy and firm boundaries in all aspects on their lives. Which leads me to question why is it that so many of us struggle to put in place these limits? Why are we unable to see that trying harder isn’t working? Being nice out of fear isn’t working. Taking responsibility for others isn’t working. After researching current theory and data I’ve found that it usually boils down to not knowing what your responsibilities are and what are not and also to what your boundaries looked like growing up.
Defining boundaries
Drs Cloud and Townsend define the concept of boundaries really well. They state, “just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical and emotional boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.”
In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. Fences, walls, hedges, signs, all represent different boundaries. This is where one set of rules or area of property begins and where it ends. They are a clear visual to all, and one that we expect and accept as part of society. What about our internal boundaries though?
Well, despite the fact that we can’t erect physical boundaries in our life, the same idea applies. Boundaries can help define us. They define what is me and what is not me and by being able to acknowledge those lines you can take responsibility for, and have more control over, your life. This can be terrifying but it is oh so liberating! It also shows us what isn’t our responsibility and that’s a really important distinction too.
Practicing healthy boundaries means that we remember and own our part in our problems or challenges. This is not always easy but it’s empowering. It’s empowering to realize that we have some say, however small, over our world and it gives us the ability to do something about what’s not working for us. More than this, boundaries give you safety without making you miss out on the good stuff!
Before we can really start to unpack how to make those changes, it’s important to understand where a lack of healthy boundaries may have originated from.
Where does it start?
Surprise, surprise, your attitude to and ability to set personal boundaries stems from early childhood. These days, we’ve all heard of attachment. It lays the groundwork to allow children to successfully explore their world. The irony here is, the safer a child feels, the freer they are to explore and separate from the parent and find ways of satisfying their own needs. So essentially, if you’ve had a secure attachment, you will naturally feel safe and secure enough to venture into the world on your own. However, this can be really challenging for a lot of parents and families.
This is something I am personally very aware of as a mother because it’s a natural instinct to want to keep your child safe, to help them to see a path that might make their life easier. It’s important though to allow them the physical and emotional space to explore on their own so they can become their own people.
Really think about that and what it means - “their own people.” Not the people you might hope for them to become, or the potential you think that they have. Completely their own person following their own unique path. To let your children grow into whomever they choose to be, whatever that might look like. Your child might hold different beliefs, politics and views of the world to yours.
Think about your own experience. Few adults can honestly say, my parents “love me 100% as I am”. In therapeutic terms though, that’s the ultimate goal. Individuation. You become a separate entity to your parents and you are loved and valued for it, regardless of what that might look like or how different you may be to them.
Families that have difficulty developing autonomy, we called them “emotionally fused” or “enmeshed”, can make it really hard to find your voice on and into the path to adulthood.
There are all sorts of boundary issues that can occur in your family or origin and then spill into your own. The pattern you learnt in childhood will continue into adulthood because you feel safe in this. It feels comfortable but just because something feels comfortable or safe, doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Where to start?
So how do you start to create healthier boundaries for yourself? To begin with you need to start with asking yourself some questions.
1 | What are your current boundaries or responsibilities?
I want you to think about what they might be with your family, with your partner, with your friends, with your work, technology. Think about what boundaries you already have in place?
2 | Where do you need to put in some boundaries?
A good place to start with this is asking yourself, where are you feeling exhausted, frustrated or drained in your life? Where do you see patterns where you wish things looked different? Where are you not showing yourself kindness and respect? Where are you taking on responsibilities that are not yours to carry?
3 | Where have you lost control of your property?
Think about where your boundaries are falling apart? Where do they need to be firmer? Where are there violations of them and how and why do these occur?
Once you can map out your boundary lines (or lack thereof), it makes it much easier to formulate a plan for your next steps. I even recommend getting a big piece of A3 paper and really spending some time with this exercise.
Doing something about these boundaries often means speaking up and speaking up and finding your voice can be challenging. Putting firmer and healthier boundaries in place can be terrifying and at the very least, is usually uncomfortable. The big win here is that by overcoming this fear or discomfort you will feel more empowered, less stressed, more in control, healthier and happier.
If this is something that you need help with, check out our month on boundaries in The Happiness Hub, where we provide an action plan for boundary setting, plus a crash course in assertiveness skills!
