Why tantrums are essential
Would you believe me if I told you that tantrums are normal, healthy and a necessary part of your child’s development? That they are actually essential to their brain development? Would that discovery help you to look at them differently? Let me explain …
One of the biggest obstacles that you will face as a parent is how to manage and respond to your child when they are having ‘big feelings’. To us it might seem completely irrational for our toddler to have a tantrum because their sandwiches are cut into triangles, not squares but to the child this deviation really might feel like the end of the world. It is completely natural for you to feel frustrated by the child’s response. Try to think of it this way though - if you were really upset by something and were crying and your partner or loved one responded to you by saying “don’t be silly, stop crying” or “I just can’t deal with you when you’re like this”, you would be devastated and would feel rejected. What’s more, it would probably make you feel worse and prolong the time that you felt that way. For children, when they’re having a strong emotional response, it is overwhelming for them because they don’t have the cognitive ability to reason with what’s going on. They just feel it. And for them, the emotions are tenfold than those that an adult would experience.
The neurobiology of a tantrum.
Biologically, a tantrum is designed to restore physiological equilibrium, to release feelings and frustrations. It’s a mechanism that exists because a child’s prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows us to express strong emotions verbally) isn’t fully developed yet. In its essence, tantrums are stress relievers for our tiny humans. It allows them to release all of those nasty stress hormones that have built up, as they try to cope with the challenge of daily life.
In addition to this, tantrums help our minis to learn to self-regulate . Children need to practice what that uncomfortable sensation is to be able to learn how to calm down. This even has a fancy term, ‘Hebb’s Law’ - which is “neurons that fire together, wire together”. Essentially, practice here makes perfect!
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What is the function?
The other part of the equation to be aware of is what is the function of a tantrum? There is always a function behind a behaviour. Much of the time the function of a tantrum is to let us know that the child has reached his or her limit. That they are tired, hungry or simply overwhelmed. That they need more guidance or boundaries. That they are over or under stimulated. Try to notice when your child is really struggling. What patterns are there? How could you help them?
Support them
In those moments when they are very distressed, your child can’t hear you. They are literally flooded with hormones. Their sympathetic nervous system has been activated (you might have heard it referred to as the ‘fight or flight response’) and their ability to think clearly, to hear you or to act in a rational manner isn’t accessible to them. So, when they are in that state, your job is to just be with them. To help them through it. Don’t even attempt to problem solve or rationalize with them in that moment, because it will be to no avail.
You just being there for them will help them to be able to move through that experience more quickly. You can even add in phrases like “I’m here.” “I’m not going anywhere.” “We’ll get through this together.”
Here is a wonderful analogy that might help how you respond in these situations:
“difficult feelings are tunnels, and we are trains travelling through them.”
In other words, it’s best to help your child to move all the way through the emotional experience, rather than trying to stop it. Research has shown that a child who experiences this type of nurturing and responsiveness is able to devote energy to growing a larger prefrontal cortex. This means that they will develop better emotional regulation skills and are far more likely to be calm and emotionally stable adults.
So, start to think of tantrums as a wonderful opportunity for you as a parent rather than this horrible obstacle that you continuously dread.
The debrief
Once your child has calmed down you can talk to them about what happened.
Try using language like, “I noticed earlier that you were really struggling. I could see it in your body. Your hands were so tense. It looked so hard for you.” And then add in, “Can you tell me what might help for next time when you start to feel like that?”. Try to use this formula - tap into the emotion, link it to the body and then look at the behaviour.
Public tantrums - how to cope
Tantrums in public can generate fear and shame for parents. I've been there and it can feel like the entire room has honed their vision in on you and you just want to be swallowed up whole as your child screams! The one thing that I always do in those moments is take a big, deep breath and remind myself that the embarrassment is predominantly in my head. Most people are too consumed in their own world to be paying much attention to mine and to those who might be judging, I always fall back on the question, "what does that say about them?”
More often than not, the glances that you see from bystanders are actually looks of empathy and encouragement; parents who are there with you or remember those moments far too well. So try to remember to be gentle with you next time you are faced with a tantrum in public and not to assume or worry that passers by think you are a terrible parent.
If you'd like to minimise the chances of a whopper of a tantrum in the grocery aisle, here are some tips:
Do a functional assessment of your child's tantrums. Do they normally occur when they are tired or hungry? After a long day at Kindy? Try to factor these variables in before planning a trip to the shops and if you can, make it as short as possible. If your little one doesn't do well with trips start with 10 to 15 minutes, then gradually build up to longer ones.
Prepare your little one for the trip. Explain to them where you are going, what you'll be doing and how long you'll be doing it for. You can even create a storyboard if planning trips in advance is helpful for your little one.
Be clear with your expectations before the trip with your little one. Give them clear boundaries around what the trip will look like.
Plan playtime before an outing if physical exertion helps your little one to feel more calm.
If you are going out for a prolonged period of time, prepare. Bring snacks, toys, anything that is comforting and helpful for your child.
If the tantrum has become more of a learned behaviour (we call this an escalation trap, that if they have a tantrum for 'x' amount of time, the parent will give in and they will get their way - this then becomes a conditioned response), particularly when you go to the shops. The first thing to remember here is - hold your ground. The second you give in to your little one, they learn that you will and the behaviour will continue. If I go to the shops with my son, particularly Kmart and there is row upon row of toys, and he asks for something - we take a photo of him holding it. I tell him that that's something he can either save up for (with his pocket money) or have for his birthday/Christmas. Not only does it stop any sign of a tantrum in its tracks, it's teaching him delayed gratification.
If your child is having a tantrum, do not try to reason with them. If it continues to escalate, leave. Get out of the store and that environment. You may only have to do this for a few minutes before they calm down again, or it may mean putting off the trip for a later date. Trying to reason with your little one in those moments will only create more tension, for both of you!
Introduce a reward if your child is able to attend the trip without incident. This might be playing their favourite game with you, or making something special together at home. I have special "dates" planned with my little boy when he is able to do this and this helps him to maintain the boundaries.
More advice
Here are some other handy tips to help your child to regulate, relate and reason:
Regulate:
Get down low - I can’t even count the times I have got down on the floor with my little one to help him regulate. By adopting a low stance your child will feel less overwhelmed and it will foster a feeling of safety.
Encourage somatosensory experiences - think big hugs, weighted blankets or rhythmic or repetitive activities such as rocking or drumming.
Let them play (see our blog on the importance of play).
Relate:
Play together.
Hug them - hugging helps to calm the nervous system and creates oxytocin! It’s one big love bubble for your little one.
Shared activities - think about what your child loves to do and do this with them!
Reason:
Ask open-ended questions - be curious, see this as an opportunity to learn something new about your little one.
Encourage confidence - give compliments, high fives, praise your little one for what they’ve done well, however small. Confidence will help them to feel more empowered!
Reflect:
Unpack what happened together, chronologically. Encourage them to tell you from their perspective what happened and then emphasize cause and effect. Remember to respond with empathy.
All along this road remember that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT PARENT. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL get it wrong. We ALL have moments where we could be better. The fact that you’re even reading this shows how much you care; how much you love your little one(s) and that makes you a pretty great parent.
