When letting go isn’t actually safe yet: Why the nervous system holds on, especially to relationships and how it eventually loosens
“Why can’t I just let this go?”
For many adults, this question isn’t about a habit or a thought pattern. It’s about a relationship.
A person they’re still thinking about.
A connection they can’t quite release.
A bond that ended, or never fully existed, but continues to live on in the body.
When attachment is involved, letting go isn’t simply emotional. It’s nervous-system deep.
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Why attachment makes letting go so hard
Attachment isn’t about logic.
It’s about survival.
Our nervous systems are shaped in relationship. And those early bonds teach us:
How closeness feels
What to expect from others
What we need to do to stay connected
When a relationship carries echoes of an early attachment wound: inconsistency, abandonment, emotional unavailability, or unpredictability, the nervous system can stay oriented toward it long after it’s ended.
Not because the person is “right,” but because the system is still seeking resolution, safety, or repair.
From this lens, holding on isn’t weakness. It’s attachment doing what it evolved to do.
Why “just moving on” often doesn’t work
Well-meaning advice often encourages people to:
cut ties, distract themselves, focus on someone new, or think differently.
But for an attachment-wounded nervous system, abrupt disconnection can register as threat.
Letting go too quickly can feel like:
Abandonment all over again
Loss without repair
Danger without support
This is why the body may continue to reach for the relationship — through rumination, longing, or hope, even when the mind knows it’s not sustainable.
The nervous system isn’t confused.
It’s protecting against rupture.
When letting go becomes possible
Letting go of a relationship usually happens after something else has been established:
Enough safety in the present
Regulation that doesn’t rely on the other person
Experiences of being held, seen, or supported elsewhere
As the nervous system learns “I’m not alone with this anymore,” the grip begins to soften.
Not because the bond didn’t matter, but because the system no longer has to cling in order to survive.
This process is rarely linear. Grief, anger, relief, and longing can all coexist.
What this looks like in therapy
In therapy, letting go isn’t forced or fast-tracked.
Instead, we might explore:
What the relationship represented
What attachment needs were activated
What the system is still hoping for
What feels too risky to release right now
Therapy offers a relational experience where attachment needs can be recognised and held, rather than dismissed or bypassed.
Over time, many clients notice that the relationship occupies less space. The urgency reduces. The body settles.
Letting go becomes something that happens to them, rather than something they have to make happen.
You don’t need to be “over it” to begin therapy
One of the most common fears I hear is:
“I should be past this by now.”
But attachment doesn’t run on timelines. And healing doesn’t require premature closure.
You’re allowed to bring the longing, the grief, the confusion, and the parts of you that are still holding on.
They’re not obstacles to therapy.
They’re the doorway.
If you’re finding it hard to let go of a relationship, especially one that touches old attachment wounds, please know there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your nervous system may still be seeking safety, connection, or repair.
I offer 1:1 therapy for adults grounded in attachment, trauma, and nervous system science, supporting clients to process relational loss and build the conditions where letting go can happen organically.
If you’d like to learn more about working with me, you’re welcome to explore that below.
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