Let's talk about sex
It’s the early 90s, I am 9 years old, getting a lift to school with my Dad, my bestie sat beside me, when the classic Salt-N-Peppa song, “Let’s Talk About Sex” started blazing out of the car radio. My Dad, probably not giving much thought to the lyrics, began to sing along loudly! I was mortified and wanted the ground to swallow me up! Of course, now I can appreciate how revolutionary those lyrics were - “let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be … let’s talk about sex.” Unfortunately, 20 something years later, I note in my clinical work that most people are unable to talk or communicate about sex.
Why talk?
Recent research has shown that only 9% of couples can comfortably talk about sex with one another and say that they’re satisfied! The issue here is that, from what we know, one of the most important parts of creating a healthy sex life is being able to talk about it.
The major problem with this, is that those who do talk about it are often vague and indirect in communicating their sexual needs. Typically, what happens is both parties feel so uncomfortable with the conversation that they rush to finish it, with the hope that the other understands what they were trying to convey. Unfortunately, the less direct you are about what you want, the less likely it is that you’re going to get it!
Talking about sex can be so powerful. It can deepen the intimacy and connection between the two of you. Just imagine if your partner said, “last night I loved it when you touched my …… and gave it all of your attention. It made me feel so sexy and alive, I loved it”. Some of you might be mildly panicking at the thought of saying something like that out loud, let alone to your partner. This is why friendship and closeness is such a crucial component to a healthy sex life (if this is something you need to work on, check out our free eBook, ‘how to feel in love + stay connected’.
It is very common for couples to struggle to find the right words to be able to express themselves around this charged topic, particularly without those words sounding too critical or feeling utterly embarrassed doing it.
The Gottmans, as usual, have the answers.
How to talk about sex.
1 | Be positive and kind
The thing to remember when talking about sex is not to criticize the other. If you do, the conversation is going to end faster than it started!
Saying, “you never touch my body” will most likely result in your partner touching you less. Instead you can try, “kissing me last week in the kitchen was so sexy. I loved it. I want more of that”.
Or instead of saying, “I hate it when you touch me there”, try saying, “it feels so amazing when you touch me here …”.
Framing what you want in a positive light will open up new ways of loving each other. Try to remember that many of us feel embarrassed at times about our bodies or our sexual performance. Highlighting these will only add to those insecurities and create more issues in the bedroom.
2 | Be patient
Talking about sex can be extremely uncomfortable, particularly if you’ve had an upbringing where shame was associated with enjoying sex. If you or your partner have difficulties with this, then go slow. Start by talking about your feelings about sex, such as the messages you received about it growing up. Ideally you want to create an environment of safety here, which will in turn be so powerful for you both.
If you’re unsure of where to start with these questions, the Gottmans have a free app called ‘Card Decks’. In this app there is the option for “sex questions to ask a man” and “sex questions to ask a woman”.
3 | Don’t take it personally
I know, this one might sound a little counterintuitive because sex includes you, but a large component of what turns your partner on or off has nothing to do with you. Sex drive, arousal or desire levels can be affected by a myriad of different variables, including stress, mood, tiredness levels, hormones, or feelings of shame. If your partner isn’t in the mood, it doesn’t mean that they don’t find you attractive or that your lovemaking skills are lacking.
Ideally you want to develop a ritual for gently refusing sex. Sex therapist, Lonnie Barbach, suggests that you can do this by communicating your level of arousal through an “amorous scale” from 1 to 9. 1 being “no thanks” and 9 being “oh yeah Baby!”. By using this scale, refusal stops being personal, instead you’re communicating that right now your body isn’t feeling it.
4 | Be accommodating
Healthy and good sex practice requires that both parties are able to understand and communicate what feels good and what feels safe and, sometimes more importantly, what doesn’t. Making accommodations for one another's desires is an important factor here and it can hopefully become a pleasurable experience for you both.
For example, Mark wanted sex three times per week, but Anna only wanted it once per week. Mark felt rejected and frustrated by this, so his solution was to buy sex toys and books in an attempt to turn Anna on. This only backfired. Anna’s desire continued to dwindle as she felt more and more pressured and so Mark’s frustration grew. As you can imagine, they were stuck.
By getting Mark and Anna to focus on sensuality instead of sex things started to improve. Anna was in charge of the couple’s sensual enjoyment, as she was the one with the lower level of desire. Anna felt relaxed and enjoyed massages, so the couple started to have massage nights, which didn’t involve sex. Taking the pressure off allowed Anna the space to enjoy Mark’s touch again and eventually Anna’s desire started to return, and the couple started having sex twice per week.
The solution to enhancing romance and intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom is learning how to talk about it. Learning the art of this will help enhance the experience for both of you.
