How your sex life can be master, not disaster, after having kids
What could be better than being a parent? Having little ones is such a blessing and enriches our lives in many ways. Sadly though, the arrival of minis can drive couples apart – especially in the bedroom. Ninety percent of couples report that their sex lives change after pregnancy and childbirth and for some, the difference is so negative that they drift away from each other, losing intimacy and closeness. As John Gottman says, “The greatest gift (you can give) to baby is a loving, happy, connected and strong relationship” and a mutually satisfying sex life is part of that. So, it’s important to look at what might be getting in the way of a happy sex life for couples with small kids.
There are several issues that parenting presents that can put the kibosh on your sex life. From the unrelenting exhaustion, to past partum complications that can make penetrative sex painful, many things can get in the way. When the Gottman’s spoke to couples with infants they found that often women lose desire after childbirth and men, feeling rejected, tend to withdraw. A common comment from women was something along the lines of “I feel about as attractive as a potato”. It can be difficult for both partners to separate from their role as a parent and feel like sexual beings but there are some tried and tested techniques that can help put sex higher on the agenda and make it pleasurable again.
Firstly, the Gottmans (our gurus!) have identified 13 things all couples who have an amazing sex life do.
They say “I love you” every day and mean it
They kiss one another passionately for no reason
They give surprise romantic gifts
They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
They are physically affectionate, even in public
They keep playing and having fun together
They cuddle
They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
They stay good friends
They can talk comfortably about their sex life
They have weekly dates
They take romantic vacations
They are mindful about turning toward
As John Gottman says, having a great sex life isn’t rocket science but how can you achieve this when ‘…baby makes three’ (or four, or five)?
Here are some practical things that couples can implement:
1 | Lock the Door
Most children do not believe in closed doors, especially if Mum or Dad is behind them. In order to prevent having miniature witnesses to your sexy time, and being distracted by the worry of that, think about putting a lock on the bedroom door. If they need you, you’ll obviously stop what you’re doing and attend to their unfortunately timed needs, but locking the door at least allows the opportunity to scramble for clothing without worrying that you’ve scarred your children for life!
2 | Get in Bed Early , or at least on time AND TOGETHER
Bedtime. The magical time of day when mum and dad can do whatever they want without holding a baby or stopping to draw a choo-choo train or T- Rex! Once the kids are tucked in their beds most parents (and research shows this is still mostly mums) start a mad scramble to accomplish everything they couldn't get to during the day. They do laundry and dishes and catch up with work. This should also be the time when you can connect with each other but if you’re not careful and you’re anything like most parents, it’s easy to get carried away and find that it's really late, all you’ve done is chores and one of you gave up and went to bed a while ago. There was probably a time in your relationship when it was never too late for sex. With young children though, sleep (and, often, time without a mini joining you in bed!) is precious, and most parents of little ones don’t want to sacrifice it for sex. Going to bed on time and, crucially, together allows the window of opportunity to stay open for romance
3 | Talk About Something Other Than the Kids
Sex isn't just about opportunity, it’s about reconnecting with your partner. Turning towards each other as individuals, not just as mum and dad. If all you talk about is the kids, you may not be doing so well as a couple. You need to remember to be a couple first and foremost, to know that you love each other, and that this is the whole reason you want to have sex in the first place!
4 | Make out like teenagers!
Maintaining an intimate relationship doesn’t always have to be about intercourse. Too tired for a full on romp in the sheets? How about just some heavy petting? Removing the expectation of physical escalation can lead to stress-free, amazing connection time. Most of us experienced a time in life when kissing was the most exciting thing in the world and making out for an hour or more was just about the best way to spend our time. Don’t be afraid to go back.
When is the last time you gave your partner more than a peck? That you really let yourself explore and go deep into that kiss?
5 | Take advantage of the quiet moments.
You wake up at 4 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and when you climb back into bed, your partner rolls over sleepily to cuddle up next to you. Taking advantage of these small moments is so worth the extra cup of coffee you’ll need in the morning. There’s something about being intimate in the small hours of the morning when the house is dark and the world is asleep that makes it feel like you’re in your own little world. Plus, you don’t have to feel guilty about rolling over and going back to sleep afterwards, because it’s not time to be up yet!
6 | Make screen time your sexy time.
I’m not suggesting extra screen time but if your kids are really focused on ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ or the latest iPad game, it might be a great time for you to sneak off to the bedroom.
Also, giving the kids a few extra minutes once in a while as a treat could mean a little bit more time for you to connect and treat yourselves to some extra closeness. If screen time is at a regular time each day, it also means you have a built-in time each day where you can make a conscious choice to focus on each other.
7 | Sometimes, choose quantity over quality.
Quickies are underrated. A five-minute fast and dirty romp beats nothing, any day of the week. It may seem like a short connection, but for the rest of the day/night, you can exchange knowing glances and looks that speak volumes about what might happen when you’ve got just a little bit more time. There’s something about a physical reminder of the chemistry you feel, whether you spend five minutes basking in it or an hour, it will affect your day for the better.
8 | Think outside the box.
When is the last time you climbed into the shower with your significant other? Bathroom doors almost always lock, and the sound of running water is a great dampener for other noises you might make. Laundry room or office the only room in your house with a lock? Take advantage of it!
Sex in the backyard shed when you’re outside “weeding” and “mowing the lawn?” Why not! Sneaking in through the back door after a run and doing it in the guest bathroom? Go for it!
9 | Learn how to sext.
Text messages are great because you can send them anytime, anywhere. Remember when you were dating, and didn’t get to see your partner every day? In between, phone calls and text messages would build that anticipation until you couldn’t wait to be touching again.
Try sending a racy message to your partner from work or even from across the room during family time and watch that fire appear in their eyes when they look up at you.
10 | Schedule it.
I know this sounds unsexy but we all have things we look forward to on a regular basis. I look forward to my sprint class on Friday mornings. I look forward to the third Wednesday of the month when I get to attend book club with my friends. People look forward to regular coffee or lunch dates, paydays, the day you they know their monthly subscription box arrives. What if you built in that excited anticipation about sex too?
Knowing that you’ve got some fun, sexy, let-it-loose time coming with your partner can be a great motivator to get through days that are just dragging by. There’s something to be said for putting time for your partner and your sex life into your diary.
To learn more about finding a deeper connection with your partner, have a look at my blogs on love maps and intimacy. I’ll leave you with this John Gottman quote:
"Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is communication and turning toward each other in little ways every day"
Need more help in this area? Check out a our signature course “Sex + Mindfulness: Step-by-step strategies to regain your desire, libido + connection with your body”.
