How to forgive ourselves
Forgiveness, to me, means intentionally letting go of the blame and anger that encases your heart. It is about turning towards our pain with compassion. It means accepting our pain and allowing this process of forgiveness to evolve over time. It is really the melting point between radical compassion and acceptance. How many of us though can truly say that we are able to do this?
This is a topic that comes up regularly in clinical practice. It is a sticking point that I witness so many suffer with. We’re all imperfect. Every single one of us. So that then begs the question, why, when we know this, are we so unforgiving towards ourselves? Especially when forgiveness is embedded with so many benefits?
Why is it so hard?
Alfred Korzybski stated “God may forgive your sins, but your nervous system won’t”. When we’ve done something that we register in our minds as “wrong”, we also register this mis-step in our bodies, more specifically in our nervous system. But to add insult to injury, we also then attach a maladaptive belief to this — so something like “there’s something wrong with me” or “I always get it wrong”. And that then becomes a narrative we tell ourselves on repeat. It’s a part of us but it’s usually a part we want to hide. No matter how hard we try to forgive ourselves, if we haven’t addressed the underlying emotions or beliefs, it’s not going to take because your nervous system is going to continue to hammer in that self-loathing. How do we forgive?
So what do we do? As I just mentioned, if we’re not aware of what is driving this pain or able to admit to ourselves where we’ve gone wrong, it’s going to be next to impossible to release it. A common example I see in clinical practice is when a client has taken back an ex-partner that they were aware was toxic for them. The embarrassment and shame that unfolds as they recall this is palpable, which is then amplified when the relationship has a similar ending to before. But the real pain here is always directed at themselves. The belief that they are defective. That they are unlovable. That they should know better. Hands up if this has been you too?
And this is where self-compassion is truly a life-changing skill.
Kristen Neff + Christopher Germer suggest these five steps to help you to move towards forgiving yourself with compassionate intention:
Opening to pain — being present with the distress of what happened.
This is often the hardest step. Sitting with our pain, turning towards it can be challenging, particularly when our default is to hide from it. Take a few moments here to consider how your actions impacted yourself or another and allow yourself to feel however you’re feeling about that. This takes courage.
Self-compassion — allowing our hearts to melt with sympathy for the pain, no matter what caused it.
Remember here that we all make mistakes. We all get it wrong. It’s part of being human. Guilt is part of the human experience. If you like, put a hand over your heart and allow kindness to flow through your fingers into your body.
Wisdom — beginning to recognise that the situation was the consequence of many interdependent causes and conditions.
When you are ready, this step involves trying to understand what led you to your mistake. Take a moment to take stock of what else was going around you at the time — e.g. environmental factors (were you under a lot of stress? Had some of your maladaptive beliefs been activated in some way?). Take this opportunity to look beyond yourself and your interpretation of the situation. Perhaps you didn’t make a mistake and you were just trying to live your life in the best way you knew how?
Intention to forgive — “may I begin to forgive myself for what I did, wittingly or unwittingly, to have caused me pain”.
Responsibility to protect — committing ourselves to not repeat the same mistake; to stay out of harm’s way, to the best of our ability. Resolve not to hurt anyone (including yourself) in this way again, at least to the best of your ability.
Now, none of this is easy. Turning towards our pain and sitting with it can be extremely challenging, but to truly release it, we need to first be with it. In fact, I want to add another dimension to step 5 ‘responsibility to protect’. This step really speaks to soaking up what you have learned from what has occurred. This is the contract we make to ourselves so we don’t repeat the same action. It is the commitment to our future selves to be free from the same suffering. So it can be really handy to do some journaling here to unpack this a little further.
Taking the example from before,of resuming a toxic relationship, these are some questions you could ask yourself:
What have you learnt from the failed relationship?
What have you learnt about yourself?
What part of you needed that relationship?
What can you do to nurture that part of you moving forward?
What commitment can you make to yourself so you don’t walk into the same situation again? (**what red flags do you need to look out for here?**).
